Two homes June 29, 2008

I took a trip back home and just got back yesterday.

When I say home, I sometimes mean where my dad lives in the Midwest, and sometimes I mean where I live in California.

It’s kind of confusing to think of two places equally as the place where your heart is.

But Jade is here, my cats are here, my stuff is here. Jade says home is where your stuff is. Maybe because her Midwestern home isn’t as welcoming as mine is.

To be fair, my dad’s home isn’t really home any more either. I don’t have a bedroom there filled with stuff from when I was growing up. It is the spare bedroom, and it is mine when I am there, but every single thing that was ever mine has been eradicated from the house. Even down to the boxes deliberately left in his basement years ago. I kicked and screamed at the thought of taking that stuff out, because if I left it there, I’d still have some presence in that house, apart from the couple of family pictures on the wall. But on one of my visits back home, he made me go through my last two boxes and mailed me the things I wanted to keep.

It’s kind of weird to go to this place called home and to know that your father loves you but absolutely does not want to talk about your marriage.

I told my brother, via e-mail, about us getting married legally on June 17, and told him he could tell my dad and stepmom if he wanted. So when I was home, I asked him if he’d told them. Yeah, he said.

“Well, what did they say?”

“Not much. Just ‘We were just talking about that and wondering if they were going to do that.’ “

During my visit, my best friend told me on the phone that I needed to come out to my dad. I told her that he already knows, so it’s not coming out. We just haven’t spoken about it directly, except for accidentally once or twice.

I guess she thinks I should talk to him about it, and force him to start the process of acceptance.

Well, I didn’t ask her. She’s not a lesbian, she hasn’t had to deal with these feelings of rejection and discomfort, both of others and with herself.

And that’s how I feel.

Want a laugh? June 20, 2008

Jade went to the county clerk’s web site to see if our names had made it into their public records yet.

Yes.

Not only are we fully searchable for anyone who wishes to see that we are married, but get this:

I am listed as the groom.

Jade says she’s going to use that against me the next time she needs me to do something. Like open pickle jars, I suppose.

I am NOT the man.

I guess they haven’t fixed that part of the process; maybe never will. When we filled out the marriage license application on computer, I went first, so I guess I was Party A.

I just can’t wait until we start getting junk mail addressed to Mrs. Lizzie.

Beware of tiger June 20, 2008

Lizzie teases me about my need for privacy. Which probably sounds pretty funny coming from someone writing here on the Interwebs. But anyhow, says I only share things if asked for. In writing. Filled out in triplicate. And only then, when served with a FOIA form. And a subpoena.

I never thought I was quite *that* bad.

Until my business went out in an email — complete with a pic — Tuesday. To the 100 or so people we work with. And to their spouses. And to friends in other states.

Yeow! I’m supposed to be the one asking questions. This is freaking. Me. Out.

I hadn’t realized all the different layers of veils I wear around everyone. I know I try to control the flow of information. I’ll show an ankle to one person, an elbow to another. But until Tuesday, I’d never realized the extent of the secrecy. I mean, I can’t even break down who knows what. There are almost as many variables as people. And that doesn’t even count the further information that we’ll soon be leaving as I start law school.

We’ve got friends who know about the ceremony but not the official knot-tying, and vice-versa.

I’ve got one friend I’m pretty sure has stopped talking to me because she probably suspects I’m gay, but I don’t know for sure. Try piercing through all *those* layers of secrecy and mind-reading.

There’s my mother, who I’ve recently decided to start talking to again. Sort of. She doesn’t know. She barely knows I’m going back to school. In fact, she hasn’t even called me to confirm whether I still have a job, as some very bad news about my company made news this week. News I think she’s likely aware of. But I’m not sure. Because, well, we’re barely talking.

And then there’s my sister, whom I’m not speaking to at all. And haven’t in more than a year.

But on Tuesday, everything was blasted open, at least at work and all those places adjacent, where our outness was spotty at best. Whereas I usually slowly unpeel like an onion, my outer wrapping was blasted away. And thankfully, blessedly, if I can believe in blessings anymore, it was completely worth it.

People keep asking me, why didn’t you say anything? Most of them don’t realize this is the third time we’ve been married in a year. Some of them perhaps are making a political statement. Others perhaps are so used to those who are very public about their gayness, especially this week, that they don’t understand that, even if there is a good chance the reaction is good, not everyone is out there like that. And still others, I think, honestly don’t understand how second-nature a life of secrecy is — many times, has to be — for someone who isn’t straight.

I have said before, even on this blog, that I would like to live a more open life. That was, in fact, the purpose of coming out to my friends and family about two years ago. Perhaps that was a lie to myself, and what I really sought was just the opportunity to have more options about which parts of me I’ll show to which people.

Out, out, out June 18, 2008

OMG. We are SO out.

Out at work.

It’s a relief, in a way, but yesterday, we felt like bugs under a magnifying glass.

It started when one of our coworkers saw us on the way to the courthouse. And then two more. It was that first one who said something to his supervisor, and then to one of our supervisors.

We got a couple of furtive congratulations when we went to work and then our supervisor asked if it was OK if she shared the news.

I thought about it for a minute, answered without really consulting Jade, and figured that there were two ways to do this.

Let people talk about us behind our backs or just come out to everybody.

We chose the latter.

Immediately, we had several women flock to our desk and congratulate us and say they had NO idea we were getting married; otherwise, they would’ve been there.

I showed them the pictures and then I was asked if we would mind if a message was sent out to the entire larger department, complete with a picture.

Well, news was traveling faster and faster. (It ended up as far as Seattle.) Might as well be in it the whole way.

Jade didn’t like the picture I gave. She was mortified, because we are holding hands, facing each other, looking happy as we are about to kiss.

I think I’ve been forgiven, if only because a) we are so cute, after all and b) because she got over feeling like a bug under a magnifying glass. Or at least stopped minding so much.

Sorry Jade.

Typical responses:

You didn’t tell anybody? You didn’t invite anybody? Is there going to be a party? Are you going on a honeymoon? I didn’t even know you were a couple. I’m so happy for you both. Cute picture. I liked your dress. I liked your suit. How was the crowd? Did you have to wait long?

People were really sweet. If there was anybody that didn’t approve of our situation, we didn’t hear from them.

We didn’t expect this kind of response, to be honest.

I didn’t get any work done most of the time I was at work.

People kept creeping over to congratulate us. We kept explaining that we just wanted to do it quietly, avoid the fuss. We explained we’d already bought a house together, had been domestic partners. Signing mortgage papers is honestly a lot more scary than signing your name to a marriage license, I said. We also wanted to be a part of history. And we were. About 65 couples got marriage licenses in our county yesterday. I’m not sure how many of them got married that day. I heard 30, but there might’ve been more.

No hitches in getting hitched June 17, 2008

We decided to show up to the county clerk’s office a couple hours after the office had opened, in hopes that the crowd and the media circus would have died down a bit.

We were pleasantly surprised when we just walked right in, filled out an application and sat for a handful of minutes before we were called to affirm our paperwork and pay our money. A couple minutes later and we were in the small wedding chapel with an arch of fake flowers.

Simple as that. We ran into some people we know from work. One of them didn’t know what to make of it. Another person kept asking stupid questions, like are you here to get married?

I was busy filling out our marriage license application so I was pretty flip.

“What does it look like we’re doing?”

We brought our friend Sarah as a witness. And then we ran into yet another person from work, who was very happy for us, and didn’t even know we were a couple. We told her several times, we’re not really out at work so … But she was invited to watch, since she was already there.

Overall, it was fast, painless and pleasant. Which was a happy surprise.

We probably did miss out on the best of the camraderie of a bunch of gay folk showing up in solidarity, getting married or just to support each other. But there were no anti-gay protesters, only pro-marriage people shouting on the street corner with Marriage Equality signs. Hell yeah!

There’s going to be a big group reception at a local restaurant and bar tonight, but we have to work. The party still might be going on when we get off work, but it’ll probably be dying down, just like all the wedding ceremony furor.

It was a good way to do it.

Everyone in the clerk’s office was very nice. We didn’t get too many stares. And the woman who married us smiled. Another person complimented my dress.

Oh, yeah, that’s another thing. We weren’t sure what we were going to wear. I thought about just dressing up but then I realized I had a perfectly good wedding dress, and Jade wore her suit again too. Might as well get another use out of each of our outfits. But you can absolutely bet that I didn’t wear my damned uncomfortable sparkly high-heeled shoes. Nope. Birkenstocks. Doing it Cali style, yo.

We wanted this to be taken seriously, to show that in showing up to get married today, this historic day, that we had given it a lot of thought. And we have. Some people dressed up. Some did not. But it was important to do this today.

In a few days, we can get our certified copy of the completed marriage license (instead of the pretty fake copy we got today.) We plan to do that as soon as possible, because once we have that in our hands, it can’t be taken away. Not even by some scary haters who may vote otherwise. Whether what we did today remains legal is something that will be dealt with later.

But today, we are married in every sense of the word.

Partner. Wife.

We join hands

We grin as we hold hands, about to kiss

We exchange rings

Outside, after the deed is done

More photos June 11, 2008

At last, I’m ready to post a few more pictures of our wedding. This time from our photographer friend. I also have been messing around for a least a month, making a photo slideshow with music to put on DVD. However, because of privacy concerns, Jade doesn’t want me to put the video up on YouTube. Which is the only way that I currently have the tools to put it on our blog. There are ways I can make it more private, but it boils down to never put anything up on the Internet that you don’t want somehow coming back to haunt you later.

It’s just as well. It’s 7 minutes of looking at someone else’s pictures. Right now, in the background, I’m making about 10 copies to send to our friends. Who are getting them whether they want them or not. My best friend informs me she doesn’t want a copy because she doesn’t have 7 minutes to spare because of her toddler.

So if you want to waste your time with just a handful of the pictures … (Click on them for full captions)

Peeking outside

Our feet

We walk to the gazebo along our aisle of flowers

We're getting ready to walk

Imagine

The rings

A cute moment

The wedding party, such as it is

Don't know what's so funny

Our rings

The kiss

Got our pictures May 13, 2008

We got the rest of our pictures last week. Tons of them. So when I got the chance, I had a bunch of them printed from the DVD our friend sent, and started assembling the predesigned wedding scrapbook a friend had given us a few months before the wedding.

I know nothing about scrapbooking and actually have little interest in it. But I did pick up some wedding-themed scrapbook stickers.

I also don’t like defacing pictures by cutting them, so in a few places, I cheated in placing the photos. I didn’t cut them to fit in their cute little frames. I couldn’t bear to.

I also haven’t glued the pictures down, which I suppose I should do.

Really, putting the scrapbook together right away was a cheap excuse to be able to show up at our minister’s bookstore and ask for some advice. She did ask to see the pictures.

We’ll do that tomorrow. Jade is taking another big plunge; she was accepted to the law school of her choice and now we have to figure out what to do. We were going to ask our minister what the right choice was, but I think we’ve already made it by asking the advice of anybody who would listen.

Jade will go to the nicer law school, three hours away from our condo, and quit her job here. And find a job up there. And find a place up there. In about two months.

Our heads are just spinning. Just after they’d stopped spinning from wedding planning.

We don’t know what we’re going to do about me. I don’t want to stay in my job here. I don’t want to be apart from Jade. But we’re a little wary of trying to rent out our place, and I also don’t want to be running away from a good-paying job just because I don’t like it.

So I don’t know what we’re going to do.

Look at some more pictures, I suppose, and remember how happy we were, and still are. Show the pictures to the minister anyway and see if she thinks we made the right decision, or if she thinks I should try really hard to get a job in two months too.

Jade, being jaded, doesn’t think the minister really wants to hear it. But she’s a friendly breath of light in the room. Always happy, smiling, hugging. And I’m NOT a huggy person, but I don’t mind a hug from the minister. Even being an atheist, as I am.

Meanwhile, I’d like to do something with the photos. Maybe post some more up here when I feel like it. Maybe set up an online album through Flickr or something, but not linked to my main Flickr account so that the people I don’t want to know that we got married just won’t know.

Jade and I also took a multimedia class this semester, and learned how to assemble a slideshow in the process of making a professional-looking DVD.

I also have plans to have a couple of coffee-table books made of our wedding pictures through blurb.com.

I love photography, you see, and someday, I’d like to get a vanity book of my own photos made. But I think getting a book made of our wedding would be pretty cool, even if we’d be the only people to ever look at it.

Yes, I did the scrapbook, but it only hold so many pictures. And I want to have something truly special and different.

Plus, it just sounded cool to try. Along with making our own DVD. (Relax, we will never inflict the DVD or wedding book on people unless they really want to look.)

Thanking April 15, 2008

A big weight has been lifted off our shoulders. After a marathon weekend of procrastination and not writing thank you cards, I found myself with a little spare time yesterday. A nap sounded like more fun, but the unwritten thank you cards were starting to radiate guilt.

And while we were writing them, I realized what really great friends we have.

• How do you thank the friend, who at the last minute, agreed to plant tiny pots of flowers to define our aisle? The same friend, who months ago gave us a few things to start our wedding planning off: two purses, a garter and a scrapbook wedding album. She said it was nothing, just what she hopes someone will do for her someday, when it’s her turn to get married.
• How do you thank the friends who scurried off after the ceremony to bring flowers back to our house, or who cut their socializing short so they could put out all the food and drinks because the caterer backed out for health reasons? And then had to go to work later that day?
• What do you say to the fatherly figure and his wife, who sneakily left a HUGE box upstairs? When we opened it, late at night, we found they bought about half of our small wedding registry?
• How do you express how thoughtful a couple of friends are when they send you a care package that included vintage Raggedy Ann sheets (yes, I, Lizzie, love Raggedy Ann and so WHAT?), and food from the meals our friend would make for us, if she and her husband could be here for our wedding. All my favorite things: her fantastic pancakes, syrup, and fixings for my other favorite dish, chicken curry and rice. Can’t wait to have enough time to make those meals. With any luck, we’ll get to see our friends this summer, though.
• And how do you thank the neighbors you wave at, but rarely talk to, who assembled a bucket of painting supplies so that we can paint a wall, as Jade mentioned she would like to do? How do people get that observant?

Now for the next wave of guilt. I’m still waiting for one address of a friend who came all the way from the coast. And Jade needs to get another address. And I need stamps. I tried to pick up stamps yesterday at the post office, but I forgot it was the day before tax day. Today will be even worse.

But the hard part is done. Writing thank yous when it was very difficult to find the words to thank all these great people, who happily shared our wedding day in one way or another.

Pictures April 12, 2008

We’ve both been putting this off. We feel like we haven’t been home in weeks, or able to have any free time. Which is pretty much true.

Thank you cards, still not written. On the list for tonight, when the weather isn’t so glorious outside. I can hear skinny girls pushing around chairs at the pool. I won’t get in the pool, but I ache to at least chill my feet into oblivion.

But I feel like we haven’t done any real posting since the wedding. For our far-away friends (and the new ones reading the blog), I present pictures, courtesy of Jonathan. We’ll have more later from another friend, the official photog, but we were so happy to get some to share right away.

Our attendants

We peek out, watching the ceremony about to begin.

Portrait

Together, after the deed has been done

Vows

On our way

(Click on the pictures to get the full effect of the captions. Oooh)

Heavy April 1, 2008

My hand feels a little heavy, awkward.  I feel self-conscious.

I’m wearing a large, chunky, textured titanium ring on my left ring finger. It just magically appeared there one day.

Jade wears the matching ring on her left middle finger because we misestimated her ring size. Wearing the ring on her middle finger (except for the day of the ceremony) is in some ways a joke about how our relationship will be. Different. Not following what everyone else does. Saying fuck you to the world. And in fact, me, sometimes, I’m sure.

I don’t feel any different after celebrating our commitment to each other. I don’t feel any more married.

I just have this ring throwing me off. I wonder if people notice it at work. I wonder if they will notice Jade’s?

Today is just a normal day. Life goes on as usual, even though we had spectacular happy day on Saturday, and have been basking in the glow since.

Yesterday at work, nothing could pierce my armor. Today, the armor is wearing thin, but I’m still really happy.