Yay! My sweetie is coming home. She should be here in maybe 45 minutes, though I won’t see her until later in the night.
I spent some time with her up at the new place last weekend. But somehow it’s just as exciting to have her coming home to our home, to our bed, to our stuff and the town we used to call home together.
My sweetie
My sweetie was telling me, over e-mail, how much she missed me. During the last couple of days, we haven’t had much time to speak on the phone; most of our communication has been e-mail.
So I miss her too. I told her to cut it out because I haven’t cried in days.
But something I said is good enough to share.
I miss your lips.
I’m taking it one day at a time, to use a loathesome cliche.
I realized tonight as I was at work, that I am pretending that Jade just isn’t here today, not that she’s gone forever. I glanced at her vacated desk, most traces of her gone forever.
I’ve been in a fairly even mood today. At work, someone noticed that I wasn’t crabby and she was a bit surprised. I’m not always crabby, but I’m often angry. And today, even though I was annoyed, I let it sorta wash over me.
I think I’m still a bit in denial. I’ve been dutifully cleaning the house, preparing it to rent and keeping busy. But I think Jade isn’t that far away. And that’s probably what keeps me going, both at home and at work. (more…)
Sleeping in a bed by myself has become comfortable but uncomfortable.
The first night away from Jade permanently, I felt myself relishing in the scads of room in our full-size bed. I miss her, of course, but part of me enjoyed having a bed to myself. And the three cats, of course, who haven’t really figured out that they don’t have to share the bed with two humans, so they can in fact take up much more space.
But then I slept fitfully, constantly waking up, struggling to get comfortable in what should’ve been a roomy bed.
For years — well, pretty much since Jade and I moved in together — we’ve talked about buying a queen-size bed. But it’s never happened.
Money. That’s the biggest factor. In the midwest, a queen-size bed would’ve cost three-quarters to half as much as it does here.
Weirdness. We’ve gone shopping for beds, seriously, a couple different times, and there’s always the weirdness of having a salesperson asking you who is shopping for the bed. As if in California you just take along a female friend for the joy of shopping for a bed. Yes, we’re just friends. Yes. But we both stretch out on the bed at the same time.
Not knowing where we’d be living, or moving the bed to. A king-size bed would be fantastic. Unbelievably fantastic. We take every opportunity to sleep in king beds at hotels. I’m very tall, but I can stretch along the short side of the bed and still not run out of room. That’s a bed! But we figured we’d buy a queen-size bed because Jade has always bought comforters and sheets in queen. We even bought our latest comforter in queen because we thought we’d eventually end up with a bigger bed. (more…)
It’s funny.
Tonight was my last at my job. I did my duties for the last time, quadruple-checking, safeguarding myself from catastrophic mistakes. (Or trying.) And it was so odd, knowing that, five, six years ago, I wanted nothing more than to do the duties I was then performing for the last time.
I got my shot at those duties.
And it turned out that I really didn’t want to have anything to do with them. And further, as the industry crumbles around me, and with that the increasing pressure from the tightly coiled web of management above, I ceased to care. I long ceased to have fun. I hardened myself just to survive.
I didn’t like it. Most of the time I dreaded it, my mood turning stormy every time I crawled out of my car and went into the building.
But this job has always been way more than a job. Even that first week, when I went home from it and cried, every night, wondering what I had gotten myself into. But this job was my salvation. My freedom. Lizzie moved to California three months ahead of me. When we fell asleep her last night in the Midwest, exhausted from a whirlwind of packing and moving and cleaning… when we awoke early in the morning, just as the sun was rising, and I had to watch her turn and walk out the door, I had no idea when/if I’d be able to join her. She was setting up a new life thousands of miles away. And I stood, alone, newly in love, staring at a closed door, and realizing just how big the chasm was opening in my life. (more…)
We moved up Jade’s stuff this weekend. There’s a big hole where the spare bed was and another hole where one of her dressers was. Her desk is gone. She took down the frame from our bed because I want to sell it. It’s a nice wrought-iron-looking canopy frame with ivy leaves. But I feel that we have outgrown it, and it’s a pain to take down and put back up after four years of moving. A queen-sized bed is in our future, perhaps too far in my future to contemplate, despite my bad back. But getting rid of it in the middle of a big purge just seems easier. If only I could get enough energy to work on selling it and some other stuff today.
And it’s official on another front. The job I applied for has been given to another person. I got a nice rejection e-mail. In a way, I’m glad I didn’t see it until after Jade left for the first day of her last week of work. Because I’m crying. I didn’t really think I was quite suited for the job but I knew I could do it. It represented the light at the end of the tunnel and now I’m back to square one.
Well, at least I know that I should go ahead and list our room to rent as soon as possible. I’d like to get the house straight before I do that, so we’ll be prepared to show it to people. But in that, I suppose, I am overly optimistic, just as I was in being sure that a second interview was a positive sign. They’re sure to hire me. They’re sure to rent our room.
Yeah right.
Jade’s official announcement of leaving went up quietly on a bulletin board. We’re both kind of annoyed by that; doesn’t she deserve an e-mail?
Yet the word seems to be spreading fairly well.
People keep coming up to her and telling her how they hate lawyers, or how they’re excited for her. I think people are also happy to see her escape.
And then they ask, so, what’s Lizzie going to do?
Sometimes people ask me. I don’t have a sanitized work version available. I try not to talk about it much. I mean, would you talk to people you don’t know that well about how you’re looking for a job? No.
Jade’s answer is: Lizzie is here for the foreseeable future.
My answer is: I am trying to follow her when I can. Or sometimes more bluntly, yes, I’m looking for a job. But I don’t tell them that I’ve had an interview or where I’m looking or what I plan to do.
It’s odd to know that your supervisors know that you’re looking for a job, and even more odd when one of them sends out feelers for you, and then forwards you the e-mail.
That’s the danger of having couples work together, I guess. Though when they hired us, they didn’t know we were a couple.
Anyway, the job search is making me nervous. I did have a second interview last week. It went fine. No word, but my gut tells me I didn’t get it. But every time I express my doubts, an optimistic friend or Jade will tell me that this particular institution is likely to move very slowly in the hiring process. It did take them almost a month after the job posting closed to start the interviews.
So I applied for a couple more jobs, and no word there, either. Total job apply count: five. Total jobs I’ve had any contact with: one.
I guess I need to be patient. It’s just interfering with plans. Do we need to rent out a room in our house? What if I get a job right after I rent a room out? I already know that I’m going to have to ask for someone that doesn’t mind getting a room short term. Does short term mean a month? Two months? Three? I don’t know. How can I expect to ask anyone to move in for just a month? We were going to offer the room furnished, if desired. Now it’s more likely only to be furnished if the person doesn’t mind sleeping on a day bed, because Jade ended up taking a nonfurnished room herself.
This thing with Jade leaving is getting really hard to take. My eyes sorta well up every time I think about, well, this is the last time we’ll do this or soon, a bunch of her stuff will be gone. Leaving a big empty hole both in the house and in my heart.
Jade’s exciting new change is coming up soon.
In the back of my mind, I knew it would be hard. But I’ve been cheerleading her all along. Months ago, as she decided to apply to law school. We can make it work. We will make it work.
The details are definitely very scary. It’s leading to stress on both our parts. If we’re not careful, we could lose our shirts. We could lose our condo. We could ruin our credit for years to come. We’re taking on massive debt, in addition to having a condo that we can’t sell because we owe more money than what it’s worth because of declining property values.
But the thing that really struck me tonight is that I’m losing the other half of my brain.
Jade and I work across from each other. We look at each other’s work and give constructive feedback. We understand exactly why the other is having a bad day.
Tonight, I worked without her. Instead of e-mailing from across a desk, it was across town. I couldn’t share my work, get advice. We could commiserate, though.
And it’s just a taste of what’s ahead in a few weeks. (more…)
Today, our official piece of paper arrived.
Our marriage certificate, on official paper, signatures and everything, with seal.
We sent the $13 to get the official copy. You know, for just in case the fundie nutjobs get their way in November.
So even if our right to the same marriage as everyone else is taken away, we still have our piece of paper.
You can’t take away our happiness, either. And should you actually manage to win, know that we’ll keep trying. We’ll keep getting married. We’ll keep in your faces until you can treat us like the human beings we are.
Suck that, bitches.
So my mom actually asked me if I got married.
I suppose the news of this California thing spread.
I said, “Why, yes I did.”
Silence for a couple of beats. Then the shame. She’s glad my dad isn’t around to see this. Then she had to go.
I don’t understand. If you don’t want to know the answer, don’t ask the question.
In other news, it’s official: I’m going to law school.
Mom: Not impressed by that. She kept asking me about on-campus housing. I told her the same thing twice. I think she’s on the “listening every three words” plan.
Another reason not to argue.
Well, let me go out and recruit children now. I’ll be back in a bit.
