Yay! My sweetie is coming home. She should be here in maybe 45 minutes, though I won’t see her until later in the night.
I spent some time with her up at the new place last weekend. But somehow it’s just as exciting to have her coming home to our home, to our bed, to our stuff and the town we used to call home together.
My sweetie
I’m taking it one day at a time, to use a loathesome cliche.
I realized tonight as I was at work, that I am pretending that Jade just isn’t here today, not that she’s gone forever. I glanced at her vacated desk, most traces of her gone forever.
I’ve been in a fairly even mood today. At work, someone noticed that I wasn’t crabby and she was a bit surprised. I’m not always crabby, but I’m often angry. And today, even though I was annoyed, I let it sorta wash over me.
I think I’m still a bit in denial. I’ve been dutifully cleaning the house, preparing it to rent and keeping busy. But I think Jade isn’t that far away. And that’s probably what keeps me going, both at home and at work. (more…)
Sleeping in a bed by myself has become comfortable but uncomfortable.
The first night away from Jade permanently, I felt myself relishing in the scads of room in our full-size bed. I miss her, of course, but part of me enjoyed having a bed to myself. And the three cats, of course, who haven’t really figured out that they don’t have to share the bed with two humans, so they can in fact take up much more space.
But then I slept fitfully, constantly waking up, struggling to get comfortable in what should’ve been a roomy bed.
For years — well, pretty much since Jade and I moved in together — we’ve talked about buying a queen-size bed. But it’s never happened.
Money. That’s the biggest factor. In the midwest, a queen-size bed would’ve cost three-quarters to half as much as it does here.
Weirdness. We’ve gone shopping for beds, seriously, a couple different times, and there’s always the weirdness of having a salesperson asking you who is shopping for the bed. As if in California you just take along a female friend for the joy of shopping for a bed. Yes, we’re just friends. Yes. But we both stretch out on the bed at the same time.
Not knowing where we’d be living, or moving the bed to. A king-size bed would be fantastic. Unbelievably fantastic. We take every opportunity to sleep in king beds at hotels. I’m very tall, but I can stretch along the short side of the bed and still not run out of room. That’s a bed! But we figured we’d buy a queen-size bed because Jade has always bought comforters and sheets in queen. We even bought our latest comforter in queen because we thought we’d eventually end up with a bigger bed. (more…)
I knew for a long time, probably since middle school, that I was also attracted to women. At first, I just looked at other women’s bodies to compare them to my own. I wish I had a body like that. I look better than that.
But I think the looking turned to something else. I spent a long time squelching those feelings, a bit ashamed. I knew I would never act on it. I was hopeless at getting into relationships, anyway. I’d only had one serious relationship with a guy, and that didn’t end well, either.
Eventually, sometime during college age, I stopped trying to tell myself that I didn’t have feelings for women. I was attracted to them, and I wouldn’t turn a woman down if she made a move. But you can bet I would never make the first move. For a man or a woman.
I was still attracted to guys. Though again I probably set myself up to be safe and never actually be in a relationship because I was scared to make a move.
So I came to terms with bisexuality, though I never ever ever ever talked about it. Jade still teases me about this (more…)
We were both lonely, at the core. It took one very drunk night before I realized how lonely Jade had been. How lucky I was that she was still around.
I’d only had one real relationship with a man. It had ended years and years ago. I was always depressed about how no one ever wanted to date me. I’d develop crushes at work, mostly. But I never made a move.
Then one day, our core group of work friends had this weird sort of crush circle going on. This chubby, balding young guy with a wicked sense of humor had a crush on the vivacious, cute skinny girl. I had a crush on the chubby guy because he was a feminist. He was also in a serious relationship with his girlfriend. I tried to talk him out of marrying her in a subtle way. And I got this weird sense one day that Jade might like me.
I’d been trailing after the chubby guy, even started drinking after vowing that I would never drink. So I went out to the bars more with this core group of friends. Hung out more. Hoped he would be there.
In retrospect, I often liked guys who were somehow unavailable to me. So I was never in any danger of getting myself hurt. The ache of a crush was better than the ache of rejection. (more…)
Our friendship comes long before our relationship. I hope that’s how the best ones happen.
We worked together. Started within a few months of each other. She was quiet. I didn’t notice her much.
Once I get comfortable, I am LOUD. I am opinionated, and I generally don’t care, to my detriment, who hears me. Even if I end up embarrassing myself, because I don’t like hurting people’s feelings. But I’m also shy and I don’t make friends that easily.
Jade was quiet. She was part-time and not working directly in my department. Then she was hired full-time, and came to work with us. I probably helped teach her how to do stuff, when she was ready. I am often asked to teach.
She sat nearby. Still quiet.
And then one day, something happened. I can’t even say which day. But I think I found out that she liked Star Trek. So I automatically assumed she was a hardcore nerd like me. Which turned out not to be true, exactly. (Though Jade and I still have mock arguments about the definition of nerddom, and how I think she’s not a true nerd.)
I tried to help her fix her computer, the first time I went to her apartment. I wasn’t successful. She and her brother ended up blowing the dirt out of it, and it was fine. Damn, I should’ve thought of that.
Her apartment was in this huge complex and I didn’t understand the numbering. I got lost, frustrated. I didn’t have a cell phone; wouldn’t have one for years. This apartment complex would later become familiar to me as I ended up staying very late, even before we weren’t sleeping together. (more…)
It’s funny.
Tonight was my last at my job. I did my duties for the last time, quadruple-checking, safeguarding myself from catastrophic mistakes. (Or trying.) And it was so odd, knowing that, five, six years ago, I wanted nothing more than to do the duties I was then performing for the last time.
I got my shot at those duties.
And it turned out that I really didn’t want to have anything to do with them. And further, as the industry crumbles around me, and with that the increasing pressure from the tightly coiled web of management above, I ceased to care. I long ceased to have fun. I hardened myself just to survive.
I didn’t like it. Most of the time I dreaded it, my mood turning stormy every time I crawled out of my car and went into the building.
But this job has always been way more than a job. Even that first week, when I went home from it and cried, every night, wondering what I had gotten myself into. But this job was my salvation. My freedom. Lizzie moved to California three months ahead of me. When we fell asleep her last night in the Midwest, exhausted from a whirlwind of packing and moving and cleaning… when we awoke early in the morning, just as the sun was rising, and I had to watch her turn and walk out the door, I had no idea when/if I’d be able to join her. She was setting up a new life thousands of miles away. And I stood, alone, newly in love, staring at a closed door, and realizing just how big the chasm was opening in my life. (more…)
In a way, I feel like we’ve cheated in this whole marriage thing.
Jade and I are about to participate in history, in getting our relationship recognized legally. Not just as domestic partners (which we did last year) but as the real thing. Party A and B. Wife and Wife.
Yet we haven’t participated in the same struggles and suffering other couples have gone through.
Recently, on Pride weekend, we sat with a group of older lesbians at a restaurant, waiting for the crowd to die down after the parade. They took a survey, going around the table, of who had been together how long. Our answer: almost four years. Everyone else had been together more than a decade, and probably had identified as lesbians for decades.
I’ve seen pictures of San Francisco’s poster same-sex couple: Del Martin and Phyllis Lyon. They’re in their 80s; they’ve been together for 55 years.
Jade and I are babies.
And my identity as a lesbian has been growing process.
When Jade and I started having a physical relationship, I didn’t know what to call myself nor who to tell.
We freaked ourselves out. We had a secret from the entire world for months. And people only got let in on the secret gradually.
After it was killing us not to tell. After we thought we could handle the reaction from others.
It took a long while. A very long while.
I’m still not comfortable talking about it. We’re still not entirely out at work. Huge gobs of acquaintances and relatives don’t know, probably will never know.
I did secretly identify as a bisexual for many years, although that was something I kept even more secret. It was something I kept trying to talk myself out of. I’m not attracted to this woman. I do not have a crush on this woman. But I got no further with men than I did with women. After my only adult relationship with a man ended about 11 years ago, I never really dated. Nor seemed to attract anyone, although I had crushes on guys all the time. And tried to quell the crushes I had on women as impractical. Plus my gaydar was horrible … (more…)
One month ago, we giddily got married.
I have this bad habit of looking back to one day ago, one week ago, three weeks ago…
So, one month ago, we were basking in the happiness that could not be taken from us, ever.
A couple of days later, my brother left. I was sad to see him go, because it is likely that he will not come to visit again. Not because he doesn’t want to, but because finances and missing his family too much will probably be a barrier.
About three weeks ago, we went on a great cruise.
And today, we are just happy.
A bit of the airy, giddiness has worn off. We’re still waiting to get photos, so I haven’t been able to put together a scrapbook or get a glossy photobook made for us.
We still haven’t put some of our presents away.
I still see the ashtray on the patio table, a reminder of my brother’s presence.
I did kiss Jade early this morning, and we wished each other happy one month. Because it’s not really an anniversary (thinking of the word’s construction, which has year in it).
And when it comes down to it, when do we celebrate our anniversary now?
At first, it was the day we … hooked up. July 19 or so. (The date has to be looked up every year because the date is very hazy because of alcohol.)
Then last year, we signed papers to become domestic partners, as well as signed powers of attorney papers for financial and medical decisions. July 31.
And now we have March 29.
I’m guessing in future, it’ll be March 29. The special, formal day.
I was telling my best friend about plans to visit a law school Jade is interested in attending.
Her: Um, didn’t you just buy a house?
Me: Yeah. A year ago.
Her: Didn’t you just get married?
Me: Yeah, we did.
Her: Ohhhh-kkaaay.
I think her point is that we undertook a major financial obligation when we bought a condo in what we knew was a declining market. And we did it knowing we didn’t like our jobs. But the condo was calling some nesting instinct we’d both been pulled by for years. And yes, we just got married.
Now our condo is worth less than what we paid for it, so we can’t sell, and we can’t charge enough rent for it to make our mortgage payment, so we’ll have to come up with the difference AND pay to live somewhere else.
We’d really like to wait out the housing market. We really do love the house, too.
But law school is also calling Jade.
And I’m fully behind her decision.
And it’s our decision, really.
No matter what we do, we’re committing to a huge outlay of money. It’s going to be a lot of stress. We’re not sure how things are going to work out, but we know they will.
One of the concerns is the possibility of living apart for a while. And yes, we did just get married.
I think we’re just going to have to take a deep breath and do what we need to do. We don’t have to make a decision just yet.
It’s starting to really hit me, though, that a decision for one of us affects us both.
We are in this together. And that doesn’t scare me at all. Together. Kinda cool.
Everything else will work out.
Because when I go home at night, I get to hug my sweetie.
She gets my jokes. She holds me when I am sad.
Even if we are physically apart, we will be together. Always talking, always laughing. Always loving and together.
