Yay! My sweetie is coming home. She should be here in maybe 45 minutes, though I won’t see her until later in the night.

I spent some time with her up at the new place last weekend. But somehow it’s just as exciting to have her coming home to our home, to our bed, to our stuff and the town we used to call home together.

My sweetie

It seems very odd to me that until just a couple of months ago, when we got legally married, Jade and I were fairly closeted about our relationship at work. Those who know us well, of course, already knew. And a few people on the outskirts suspected. But now I just don’t care any more.

Without going into much detail, Jade and I both interviewed at the same place (on different days) for part-time jobs. We know that at least to one person, we were billed as being part of a couple. So I just assumed, when I talked to people during my interview, that they knew that Jade and I were a package deal. An item. A couple.

It didn’t occur to me until after I left my interview that perhaps that had not been conveyed to everyone. And when I realized that, I also was amazed to find that I didn’t care.

They need to know that we’re together. I guess I’m done hiding.

I started putting the word out for boxes at work. I view it in the same light as I do a recent purge of my cubicle: it’s positivity and looking toward the future. Might as well be prepared.

Anyway, I tried to avoid an outgoing supervisor on my way out last night. Someone offered to help me with my boxes. The next thing I knew, the supervisor saw me and the person helping me with the boxes asked, very loudly, when my last day was.

I spluttered. “I’m not leaving yet. I don’t know when I’m moving. I’m trying to get prepared.”

Ah well.

They all know I’m leaving. People ask when I’m leaving all the time. I wish I had an answer. I’d feel so much better.

Meanwhile, I have an interview for a part-time job on Monday. Unfortunately, I can’t move up to be with Jade until I have a full-time job lined up too.

Ordinarily, I might hope for a full-time job with that employer, but the economy and industry is so bad lately that I don’t want a full-time job there, even if they were hiring.

I just want out of the nastiness.

So meanwhile, I collect boxes and hope for the best. Can’t hurt, right?

I’m reading my myYahoo! page this morning, and I run across this, listed under “Odd News”:

Now on the Hallmark aisle: Gay marriage cards

By SARAH SKIDMORE, AP Business Writer Sarah Skidmore, Ap Business Writer – Thu Aug 21, 7:11 am ET

AP – Actress Portia de Rossi, left, and talk show host Ellen DeGeneres arrive at the 19th Annual GLAAD Media …

PORTLAND, Ore. – Most states don’t recognize gay marriage — but now Hallmark does.

The nation’s largest greeting card company is rolling out same-sex wedding cards — featuring two tuxedos, overlapping hearts or intertwined flowers, with best wishes inside. “Two hearts. One promise,” one says.

Hallmark added the cards after California joined Massachusetts as the only U.S. states with legal gay marriage. A handful of other states have recognized same-sex civil unions.

The language inside the cards is neutral, with no mention of wedding or marriage, making them also suitable for a commitment ceremony. Hallmark says the move is a response to consumer demand, not any political pressure.

Rest of the story here.

What the hell is so odd about this? Hallmark has recognized a market it’s neglected forever, and it’s now filling it. Personally, as someone who recently tried to find something remotely meaningful among the miles of talking and singing garbage that passes for greeting cards, I find this a refreshing change. Further, the people on the other side of the aisle have made this into a political issue. For those of us whom this affects, and further, for those of us who would actually be buying these cards, this is a matter of personal utility, not of politics.

This is the result of politicizing relationships: We become “odd news” and suspects of political tomfoolery when a simple business decision is made. It’s also a sign of the success of right wing talk radio, as gay folk are always out to “advance the gay agenda,” which has a nice political ring to it that sounds great bellowing from the bowels of some didactic blowhard, but in actual practice simply means trying to live and move through society like the human beings we are.

Is it sick that I Google stuff like “mothers who hate their lesbian daughters” to feel close to my own mother, who I haven’t really talked to in weeks now?

I understand that’s too simplistic. She doesn’t hate me. She just hates this thing she thinks I’ve become. She doesn’t understand it and is deeply disappointed by it. She doesn’t understand that I’m angry with her and that’s why I don’t call her anymore. She doesn’t understand that the things that she says could possibly be hurtful to me. She doesn’t understand how peculiar her shame is considering that, by all standards of modern society, I am actually a well-adjusted, albeit a bit nerdy, successful person?

All she understands is her pain.

So I wonder things like, “Were I to die today, would she go to my funeral? Where would my funeral be? If she were to die, would my two siblings who aren’t with me bar me from the proceedings? Would it actually be easier on her if I were dead? At least that would be something she would understand, no?”

But I don’t know for sure. And I really don’t want to talk to her because I don’t want to explain to her all the ways she’s hurting me, and besides that conversation would be moot because she wouldn’t believe a word that came from my mouth, anyway, with me being brainwashed and all.

And so instead I sit here, silent. And wonder. And Google.

One of my friends was born without tact. And apparently I have the added bonus of being her defacto information source on the circus sideshow that is lesbianism. Even though I still am learning the ropes. Even though I’ve only had one partner. Even though I’m an outsider looking in.

Conversation from today:

Her: So, if she’s a lesbian, how did she get a kid?

Me: I don’t know. I didn’t ask.

Her: I mean, did she have a kid with a guy, and then decide she’s a lesbian?

Me: No. I know she didn’t have a kid with a man. Maybe she adopted. Maybe she and her partner had a kid together through insemination. I don’t know. I didn’t ask.

I really didn’t even think about it, and it certainly would not have occurred to me to ask Jade’s housemate, either. I’d just met her and I think it’s kind of rude to ask. It’s probably just like asking someone, so, did your twins/triplets come naturally, or did you and your husband have artificial insemination? Unless someone offers that information, it’s not your business. You can wonder, but you don’t really need to start asking or thinking about the mechanics of someone else’s reproduction.

This recent lack of tact coupled with curiosity reminded me of an incident a few months ago, when I said something and she said, look, I am fine with you and Jade being lesbians. I really am. I’m happy you’re happy, but I don’t want to think about the two of you having sex.

Mind you, I’m classier than she is, so whatever detail I shared with her was rather innocuous.

Well that’s funny, because I try as much as possible to not think about her and her husband having sex. I think her husband is pretty unattractive and I can’t imagine getting in bed with him. Though from the unsolicited details she shares, I suspect that they are not actually having sex that often.

But the point is, I keep that to myself. And my friend doesn’t.

There’s a place for honesty. And there’s a place for keeping your mouth shut. I’m not a circus show. I don’t have all the answers about being a lesbian. Or about other lesbians.

Addendum:

Her: So you don’t mind that she’s a lesbian?

Me: No. Why would I? We wanted her to be able to live somewhere that we would both be welcome.

Her: Just as long as she doesn’t have any designs on Jade. That’s all I’m saying.

Me: No, she doesn’t, OK.

Her: She knows you’re married, right?

Me: Yes.

Ugh!

My sweetie was telling me, over e-mail, how much she missed me. During the last couple of days, we haven’t had much time to speak on the phone; most of our communication has been e-mail.

So I miss her too. I told her to cut it out because I haven’t cried in days.

But something I said is good enough to share.

I miss your lips.

This morning, I woke up bright and early, intending to get a bunch of stuff done. I lazed around a bit and then was seriously planning a 9 a.m. swim. I started writing a list of stuff to do, because marking stuff off a list gives you a tangible sense of accomplishment and focus. I even wrote down swimming as one of the things I needed to do, so I’d get a freebie task in there. And as I did that, I could hear a group of noisy children going to the pool.

There went my swim. I hoped they’d go away, but they didn’t. So I kept working on my list.

The only trouble is, I can’t figure out where I put my list. How’s that for bad organization? Nowdothis provides a web resource checklist, but it’s limited in space and anyway, I was too lazy to do it. Besides, my list doubled as a shopping list, and the computer can’t come with me to the store.

So after accomplishing some of the tasks, I made a new list to check off. And now I have plenty of things more to do.

What I did do:

• Gathered stuff to take to Goodwill. Including clothes, books and household items. It really was all gathered up, but I needed to put it in transportable form.
• Took stuff to Goodwill. Normally they’re more helpful. Today the help was just surly. And they wouldn’t take a couple of things. I should’ve just thrown it in there when the surly help wasn’t looking.
• Went to Wal-Mart to buy cat litter. And then bought a bunch of other necessary crap. And had a very helpful (for once) employee help me with the self-checkout when I realized that trying to pick up 30 pounds of cat litter and turning it upside down was not a good idea.
• Went to the drug store to get prescriptions refilled
• Made lunch, consisting of a couple of grilled cheese and veggie meat sandwiches on yummy sprouted grain bread
• Played fetch with one of the cats for *hours*
• Cleaned out my car

I feel good now that that donated stuff is out of the house. It was taking up a couple of big spaces and now I feel like I can move on to something else, like cleaning our bedroom. And when I say cleaning our bedroom, I mean cleaning up the mess that is 99% mine, now that Jade has moved out. Most of it involves laundry, clean and dirty, piled up. Another part of it involves the dresser next to my side of the bed. It sorta doubles as an auxiliary dumping area for me. That’s got to stop too.

I have been keeping up with keeping things straight downstairs, and it’s my hope that once everything is straight upstairs, I can keep that up as well.

No bites on the room for rent. On my list of things to do is repost. Well, that can be saved for later. Along with a good long swim after work.

Yay! I’m making progress — OK, slight progress — in getting things in order. I think it helps that I’m alone because I’m able to focus. Also, when I’m alone, I don’t have anyone making me feel guilty because I’m not doing anything.

I’ve cleaned downstairs. I’m on top of the dishes. I sold a bed frame on craigslist. I’ve cleaned out most of the spare bedroom we want to rent. Until I’m in danger of getting a bite, though, I’m going to leave my computer desk in there. I have grown accustomed to having it there. I’ve solicited more moving boxes.

Jade, in a spurt of enthusiasm, packed up all my DVDs and tapes, so they’re just stacked in boxes in another room. I can’t bring myself to do the same with my books, because they’re not in the room we’re trying to rent.

I could do some more cleaning. I should’ve done some more cleaning. But I’ve spent most of this week waiting on flaky craigslist people. I meant to run errands today, but didn’t, because I was waiting, waiting.

Jade painted our downstairs bathroom just before she left; now I feel like I have the bug too. I want to paint a wall. To make it look a bit different. To put our mark on it, just before we leave our house for good.

But first, I have to tackle some tasks ahead of me.

• More deep cleaning, upstairs and down. This includes mopping the wood floor downstairs. Ugh. Decobwebbing outside. Cleaning a mirror upstairs. Vacuuming upstairs. Cleaning the bathrooms. I should clean windows … but I don’t know whether I have that kind of energy.
• List more items on craigslist and take the remainder of stuff we don’t want to Goodwill. This means I have to take pictures of the stuff I want to sell. For a while, I thought we’d sell a couple of area rugs we have, but I’ve decided it’s really not worth it. Jade is planning on having a garage sale at her new place in a couple of weekends, but I don’t know whether it’s worth transporting any of this stuff up there. If I do decide to bring stuff up, that means I can’t take the train. But I might have to drive anyway.
• Sell a bunch of CDs, VHS tapes and vinyl records to a local record store. No, I will not get a lot of money for any of these, but it would break my heart a little to bequeath some of this stuff to Goodwill.
• Continue to look for jobs. Not going well. Not dwelling on it, either. I’m resigned to the fact that I have to be here at least a couple more months. Good news is, I have a solid lead on a part-time job for once I move up to Jade’s new town. Unfortunately, I still need a full-time job up there first.
• Swim because I’m running out of time to swim. I wish the swimming pool was heated. Too bad my gym doesn’t have a heated pool. I’d maybe start going to the gym again.
• Acquire more boxes for the nebulous move.

And then paint the wall.

I’m taking it one day at a time, to use a loathesome cliche.

I realized tonight as I was at work, that I am pretending that Jade just isn’t here today, not that she’s gone forever. I glanced at her vacated desk, most traces of her gone forever.

I’ve been in a fairly even mood today. At work, someone noticed that I wasn’t crabby and she was a bit surprised. I’m not always crabby, but I’m often angry. And today, even though I was annoyed, I let it sorta wash over me.

I think I’m still a bit in denial. I’ve been dutifully cleaning the house, preparing it to rent and keeping busy. But I think Jade isn’t that far away. And that’s probably what keeps me going, both at home and at work.

I got in trouble last night when I didn’t call Jade after I got off work. I figured that we’d talked two or three times already that day, and that she was probably trying to adjust to her new day schedule.

I just want her to be successful in law school, and don’t want to be a distraction. I know she wants me to come up this weekend, but I’m coming the next weekend for sure. Should we spend the money? Will I be in the way?

I don’t know. I did a lot of crying over the weekend. Especially crying as Jade left work for the final time. But I also found myself fighting off tears as I sat down on the train on my way back home.

As if it’s a home anymore without Jade.

I’m preparing to have the home invaded by a stranger. I am uncomfortable with that idea, but we need the money.

I also feel that without Jade, I will resort to my single, hermit-like behavior. Come home. Maybe watch TV, do a lot of reading, play on the computer, go to bed. Repeat next day. Next day. Only leave to go shopping for food. I’m not sure that’s much of a life.